noasark | Ryslig IC INBOX

Pray then that you never do understand.

It isn't a good set of shoes to wear.

How do you know words will be impossible, if I can ask. Know for certain rather.

Everything is reduced to human hardware on arrival here, no matter what they were- even if things conflict, I tend to find it works out for most that way.

So what makes this different- consider me curious, it's a fault.

I know it because I tried it already. Many of our conversations just turn into

[He isn't sure how else to phrase it...it's hard to nail down what to call it that isn't derogatory, and for good reason. He sighs, and finishes the sentence.]

madness.

I want to be able to have a conversation of understanding. I've been trying to approach those that I have encountered problems with and see it from another perspective, or at least reach a point of catharsis. I think I might have gotten somewhere with one person, but I made a grave error with another.

The thing is, I'm not even sure if they understand why it was an error at all.

[Sorry he's being vague, Noa. This is hard, he hates talking about this subject. Not necessarily because it'd tarnish his reputation, that's already tarnished for life.

...More because to himself, he's tainted who he is.

That and he finds it useless to talk about the Ring-Spirit in any sort of negative fashion. What's the point, he's already made friends. He's tolerable to everyone else. Right?]

If this is someone who wasn't human to begin with, madness is expected honestly. Imagine a fish abruptly turned into a bird- things are going to be messy.

They may well not understand though, you're right. The Fog certainly doesn't when such things are pointed out. A human mind can shift that but only with time to learn, unfortunately.

[But hmmm. Here sits a chance he didn't expect to have...and he probably shouldn't invest this much time into it but...]

I would offer the role of a mediator but something tells me that isn't wise for now. Instead- if you need to talk through it, I can offer that.

Believe me when I say you won't get any judgement for it. Or anything you say really.

[Noa makes...good points, probably, but Ryou still feels that without the whole story, it's a little bit hard to convey his point. Noa...doesn't really need any of this. Maybe he should just disengage.]

It isn't wise for me to be around him. So mediation isn't possible, you're right.

Noa is this really what you want to spend your time on? I didn't mean to place all this on you. I can just leave you alone.

[This is the teen's out. Ryou doesn't want to talk about this stuff either, but he probably needs to. Not at Noa's expense though. Not if he wants out.]

Speaking frankly it's a mix. On the one hand no. On the other this is going to irritate me if I drop it.

I'm a Cat, Ryou.

For that matter the other wordly things here delight in irony and it would probably be better to come to some sort of peace on this for yourself before you wake up locked in the same room or some nonsense.

Besides six years here may as well pay me with Something and I suppose experience and damage control is better than nothing.

[Perhaps Noa didn't mean it for levity's sake, but the idea that being a cat meant he would not let this go? Kind of amusing. Ryou smiles a little, despite himself. Good thing the computer screen doesn't show it. That'd be embarrassing.]

Well. If you are certain, I won't argue the point.

Um, after the whole...alternate universe thing, I was having a difficult time coping. I don't want to go into detail with it, so let's just call it a crisis of identity. A couple of people helped me through it, so it's fine.

[K...kind of?? Haha, don't worry about it.]

I wanted to repay the kindness back with one. He sought me out, he listened to my ravings, and he talked me down. In return, I agreed to meet with him.

[He pauses there, to let Noa process it, and also because he's trying to decide whether to proceed at all. He doesn't like this story...]

Ah yes, the matter of multiple timelines. I apparently have a very nebulous existence in yours. Very 'Schroidinger's cat'.

I tend to simply coast on tje fact that ultimately I am myself regardless of anything else. Now.

Carry on.

That's an apt reference, and you seem to have the whole self-actualization thing down. I admire you honestly. Not everyone can deal with that kind of thing so easily.

[He is right too. Ryou has no memory of Noa, but that doesn't matter. He exists as a person, and the whole Schrodinger's cat thing is pretty apt.

Especially since the only way Ryou knows him is as a cat. But anyway.]

Ah, so. We met. Me and that other person. The problem was, I don't think I'd fully sorted myself out. I was still shaky about things, so maybe it's my fault for putting myself out of my comfort zone when I'd barely gotten back into it.

Just...talking to this person, it's infuriating on its own. Everything is made to be complicated, and whenever I try to sympathize and conversate, it always seems to turn into something confrontational. I wasn't built for that at the time. I just wanted to be there for him like he was there for me. It didn't work, because the truth is...I don't think he gets why I don't like him. Maybe he thinks the arguing is a game or something, but he's done things that irreversibly altered my life and I take it seriously.

[He's showing his hand a little here. But he doesn't realize, because saying it to someone feels almost freeing. Almost.]

It really, really didn't work, and it went very poorly.

I am going to take a guess and assume you knew them in that Alternate Life that was forged for us all.

In which case I may also know who this is. [He absolutely knows and has the whole time frankly, but sharing That fact would absolutely ruin this.]

Rather than get into that however; it can be easy to wish for the best without remembering your actual limits. So don't be ashamed of that, if you are.

As to how things went- are you willing to elaborate? Or is that wound still a raw one?

I did know him. I knew him before that.

[Look. Noa probably does know who it is by now. Somehow, that's such a discomforting thought that it makes Ryou feel sick to his stomach. They know each other, they're probably friends, Ryou's the intruder.

But...Noa is being so understanding with him. So maybe...it isn't just pity and boredom. Right?]

I don't want to talk about what I did. I wasn't acting like myself, and I wish I could take it back.

He doesn't get it. That's not me. I don't ever want it to be me, but he enjoyed it I guess. He said...some pretty terrible things. Not at me, but about himself.

[Yeah you know. Ryou needs to take a break. Whatever response comes next, Noa's going to have to wait. This is really bothering him.

I see.

I met with him during the late end of that week. Specifically, he sought me out.

Apparently the pseudo therapist attitudes carried over.

You should know something that almost undoubtedly contributes here- and Will make even future communication a mess for a while.

He had two sets of memories resurfacing.

Both were in direct conflict with the other. Frankly the fact that he can function and Has functioned in the past as a 'singular' entity astounds me.

Regardless, while I would have to obtain his perspective somehow, I somehow suspect his point was not matter of enjoyment...

Again though I would have to look into this. Considering I've been worried about the fallout in this case for a while that hopefully won't take long.

[It was already going to take a while for Ryou to answer while he got his head screwed on straight after all he admitted. He still felt very uncomfortable with it, although he shouldn't.

Noa's a good listener. He appreciates this.

He just...wishes that he could have someone tell him he's right, this isn't fair, the Ring-Spirit's wrong. But he can't have that. It...makes him feel like a bad person. All of this does.

Suffice it to say he leaves Noa on read for some time.]

I'm sorry he had that happening. I understand the feeling, and I never thought I'd say that, but the thing is - that was what I was struggling with as well. Memories, self-identity, importance.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how he functions either, but with everything said and done...I also don't believe I'm capable of feeling sorry for him right now.

[And miraculously, it appears Ryou gets to keep both cakes.]

As you shouldn't.

He is regardless of these things someone who hurt you.

Even were he to comprehend an apology and gift it, that would not change.

You would owe nothing.

[Excuse him???

Did. Noa just agree with him?]

Thank you. That's one of the most thoughtful things anyone's said to me.

I didn't expect it.

[STILL PROCESSING...his feelings are valid?!]

It's the truth after all.

The goal of talking about this isn't to forgive past crimes it's to make coexisting in the same vicinity more tolerable.

Shot in the dark but I suspect you don't enjoy being angry simply because he's there.

The goal in other words is peace. For you. At best this will probably mean being indifferent to him being here at all.

I don't like being angry at anything. It's not the way I am, it's honestly so tiring to be upset, but there's so much to be upset about around here.

I've tried to coexist peacefully though. I promise...we've spoken sharply, but I had never attacked or threatened him before

[Wait. No. No no no.]

I mean, I didn't do it on purpose I would never try to hurt someone on purpose he just made me so angry and I couldn't take it anymore he doesn't take anything I say as mattering or serious I really didn't want to but it just happened

[Nodding, nodding, sounds g-

hey back up a sec]

I was about to say 'exactly', but then we managed to take a pretty incredible detour.

Good news is coexistence doesn't mean regularily interacting.

Bad news, I think we might have to talk about that entire bottom bit.

I already know what I did was wrong. I didn't want to discuss it, why the hell I mentioned it is beyond me.

[The short answer is: nerves. Being validated is cool but also Ryou's been nervous this whole conversation, which had now come to a head, given his mild cursing. He should have just bid Noa a good night after thanking him for his understanding. But no. Gotta dig that hole.]

I don't want you to think I really am a mindless creature.

No, that is precisely why it needs to be talked about.

Because while those thoughts are not mine, the fact that you think they would be tells me they might be yours.

Which is for a fair number of reasons bad.

[Noa you need to quit activating the logic card. Ryou hates it, because the young Kaiba is right, and it hurts hearing it said back to him.

What choice does he even have...?]

Fine. You want to know what I did, right?

We met at the museum and he asked me why I even bothered to meet him at all. When I told him I was trying to pay back a kindness, he didn't believe me, I suppose, or it wasn't a good enough reason. He wouldn't listen and he kept calling me landlord.

I tried to tell him not to do that. I'm not his 'landlord' and I don't want to argue. But he seems to like arguing. It wasn't a good time for arguing for me, but he doesn't get it. Whether he meant to or not he pushed it too far, and I just

[There's a large, uncomfortable pause.]

He kept going in circles, trying to tell me why I was doing things, why I felt the way I do...and I couldn't take it. I attacked him. I wrapped him up in my shadows and told him terrible things that I wish I could take back because it isn't the way I am.

Noa I threatened to take his soul from his body and he just laughed about it and egged me on.

I couldn't take it. I let him go and I left and of course he almost called my name he probably thinks I didn't hear him. But I left.

My first query- is the 'landlord' matter some sort of hold over from prior interactions, I take? [Come to think, the Ring Spirit didn't actually explain much of that. Hm.]

The first point you should perhaps take from this then is that you didn't- that, you need to keep in mind. You're focusing on what you did.

Try to focus on what you didn't do, in this situation.

Regarding the latter bit- Given the 'landlord' matter I take it he never used your name before?

[Of course the Ring-Spirit didn't explain much of that, why would he?

Aside from that, Ryou finds that Noa's levelheadedness contrasts with his anxiety pretty starkly. It's...not a bad thing. One of them has to be less emotional.]

He calls me "landlord" because he used to reside in the Millennium Ring, and I was the bearer. He possessed me, and the whole landlord thing began because he swore that stealing the souls of my friends and putting them in Monster World figures was him "paying rent" for use of my body.

Even if I didn't want to be possessed, that never really mattered. I'm not sure whether to be surprised this never came up or not.

[Maybe it was the Ring-Spirit trying to save face? He can't be sure. Said spirit was very capricious.]

I know that I didn't do the worst thing in that situation, but the fact that it escalated makes me wonder if him living in my head had an effect on who I am as a person. So...it's hard not to focus on it.

Ah, a habit then.

And I suspect a rather twisted sense of gratitude; keep my words in mind when I remind you that you owe him nothing, and are not expected to feel pity for him when I tell you this, but let's put a few pieces together.

We have someone who isn't operating on human logic. We have someone who therefore isn't following that logic when it comes to anyone's desires, his, yours, so on so on. In other words, he very likely did assume he was doing something of worth if you consider what he himself determines to be 'good'.

[And well, shot in the dark, but the guy who has half his head overtaken by 'heck yeah, souls, for me, to eat' Probably thinks that stealing souls for a buddy really IS positive attitude! It's how he's piecing this all out anyway.]

Which is definitely where confusion will come in. For that matter, on your end, since it obviously Wasn't a good thing well of course it's going to have had an effect on you. Specifically a traumatic one. Just the word, used as a name, would likely trigger a negative response.

I understand that you're trying to make it make sense. I appreciate that you're going through the effort to talk about this and listen to me Noa. I need you to know how much I appreciate that.

But I told him something that day that I am going to repeat here, and that is that what he thinks, and what actually is, are not the same. I spent years with him in my life. I can show you the scars I've obtained. The friends I've lost. The bonds that have wavered.

I don't...think I care if he's confused anymore. I tried, okay? I really tried. What if I don't want to try anymore? Maybe...not ever?

[Is he bad? Was he just trying to protect himself here? What's right? Noa is trying to rationalize the Ring-Spirit's decisions and Ryou only finds himself frustrated with the thought, because he doesn't want it rationalized. He wants it to stop being a problem.]

And you'll recall I said as much. You shouldn't be expected to try. You shouldn't be expected to care.

What explanation offers is closure to an understanding, and that is all. Something to keep the ever nagging sense of 'why' and 'how dare' from following when you just want to not think about it at all. Understanding why something happened doesn't add a righteousness (frankly it lessens it), it closes the book.

Of course if working through that makes it worse it's pointless. It's simply the angle ~~I used for mys~~

It's simply an angle.

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, GREATFLOOD. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 950.04.933.05 * GREATFLOOD has joined 950.04.933.05 <GREATFLOOD>This is the inbox of Noa Kaiba. <GREATFLOOD>Leave a message, and I should reply shortly. <GREATFLOOD>**Undesirables will be banned.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject