noasark | Ryslig IC INBOX

I don't get it. Look, I was mad with what Javert did and how it affected me, but at least I'm not harassing him on every little thing he does or trying to kill him out of spite. That would be unfair to Yugi, who likes him, I guess.

People need to learn to deal with their things better.

[Ryou don't you even.]

I mean, why does everyone want to be so hateful? Is the fog god really that interested to see us at each other's throats? Because the way people act here it's

It's just

Making us even more of villains. It's good that you're keeping the peace and helping people but it almost feels as if you're the only one interested in it, Noa. Well. I mean. Not to say I wouldn't want to help people.

[Which by the way thanks he wanted the reminder that he's a soul-sucking piece of shit but you know...Ryou's pretty sure that Noa didn't mean it that way. That's just Ryou's hangups. Not worth bemoaning to someone who seems to have been here a long time, right?]

Hmmm.

Not that I have much experience with these things, but something you said literally ten or so seconds ago leads me to wonder if you represent those words about anger so well. A hint- it wasn't related to Javert.

But that's hardly my place. Regardless, she has zero interest in it, she's simply also inhuman, something I've tried emphasizing multiple times. You can't crave the happiness of all of your 'chosen children' and expect it to work out automatically, or even necessarily at all at these numbers.

People will argue. And unfortunately she's managed to grab a few who enjoy doing more than just that.

Do believe me when I say I'm not the only one interested in it, but I can at least see why you would think that way.

[You know, everything that Noa has merit to be responded to, and maybe at some point, Ryou will let his curiosity run away with him again with regard to the Fog God. But there's just a little thing sticking out to him that has him writing responses, then deleting.

Rather than beat around the bush, he zeroes in on it.]

Please elaborate on what exactly you mean about my anger. I'm very interested to know.

Not that I bear much context- I was a computer and all- people don't bring up items and power as a source of generally immense tragedy unless they have a very quiet sort of anger pointing in that direction.

Given you mentioned Yugi outside the category- a very big mistake by the way I saw what he did to Seto- it must be someone else.

As I said- hardly my business, but the acquisition of power stirs poor choices, so whoever the target may eventually be, I would rather cut a slippery slope at its peak.

I think I have the right to be angry about those items and what they did.

At least Yugi - the other Yugi - learned from his mistakes. I've seen it. I wasn't there for what happened to Kaiba in the beginning, so I can't really speak of it, all I know is about what my friends told me, what with the theme park of death and all.

But I had to carry someone with me that never learned from his mistakes. He kept making those mistakes in MY body.

[He's still bitter. It's not about being a vengeful shade, it's about each and every scar on his body that would never go away, the marks of his mistake years ago in touching that damnable Ring. And he will forever regret his part in everything, including not getting rid of it.]

So yes. As I mentioned, If I'm angry about the adverse effects of the Millennium Items, I think I'm in the right.

[God is he glad he spoke to others about the dimensional varieties of Kaiba Mistakes before this, or that would be...so...confusing. Well.

He can see the Ring Spirit's issue now.]

Careful now.

Shades in particular are at risk of vengeful qualities.

If you aren't going to deny that rage, keep watch that you don't become as ruled by it as any god and spirit would.

I won't deny you your right, but I can remind you where the line- for you and your sanity in this I might note- lies. Unless you enjoy the idea of partaking in some great revenge, but take it from another who learned from his mistakes, even if only in death.

What makes monsters monsters is not power and appearance but attitude. Take care not to go from hunter to beast, and become swallowed by this.

I'm not doing that. I'm not being a vengeful person for being upset.

Noa i'm not enraged. i'm not going to

[Ah. He hits enter, but he really should have deleted that. Because saying he's not going to hurt the Ring-Spirit doesn't quite mesh with what he actually did, which was hurt the Ring-Spirit. But...but why is it bad? He'd been shunted off more than once, been treated as if he was wrong for trying to extend kindness! Why is it all because he's a shade?

Why can't it be because he has good reasons?!]

don't. don't call me that. I'm not a beast. i didn't even want to be a monster. i never wanted to be here in the first place! and i'm not going to take revenge on anyone.

[Is...is that what people think of him?]

Calm down.

I said to take care not to take that path not that you were on it. But hypocritically claiming this isn't like the matter of Javert doesn't help.

Unless you want to deny his victims their anger. Enraged, oh no. But fairly seething sounds about right.

But if I am right, then your target, like Javert, is still here. Mere presence can make anger grow, so I am warning you so you Don't let it. Does that make sense?

As an aside just because I noted Shades are at risk of vengeful tendencies, doesn't mean any other monster is immune to their own unique equivalent. Everyone stands on even ground here.

Frankly, humans are far more often monsters than anything that looks it.

I didn't mean anything by what I said about Javert. The fact is that I never forgave him. All I'm saying is that everyone killing each other doesn't make sense, alright? Let them be angry. I am. But...the violence. It doesn't come to any good end.

[And that is the crux of all of his problems. Ryou's inherently nonviolent. This whole soul-eating thing doesn't set wtih him well. He hates to see others be hurt, even if they hurt others. Words...probably just aren't enough sometimes.]

I recognize this is a selfish thought, but I wish that things were solvable with words. If they were, then the person I'm thinking of might be tolerable. But they aren't.

I'm very sorry I lost my composure. You don't deserve that.

Pray then that you never do understand.

It isn't a good set of shoes to wear.

How do you know words will be impossible, if I can ask. Know for certain rather.

Everything is reduced to human hardware on arrival here, no matter what they were- even if things conflict, I tend to find it works out for most that way.

So what makes this different- consider me curious, it's a fault.

I know it because I tried it already. Many of our conversations just turn into

[He isn't sure how else to phrase it...it's hard to nail down what to call it that isn't derogatory, and for good reason. He sighs, and finishes the sentence.]

madness.

I want to be able to have a conversation of understanding. I've been trying to approach those that I have encountered problems with and see it from another perspective, or at least reach a point of catharsis. I think I might have gotten somewhere with one person, but I made a grave error with another.

The thing is, I'm not even sure if they understand why it was an error at all.

[Sorry he's being vague, Noa. This is hard, he hates talking about this subject. Not necessarily because it'd tarnish his reputation, that's already tarnished for life.

...More because to himself, he's tainted who he is.

That and he finds it useless to talk about the Ring-Spirit in any sort of negative fashion. What's the point, he's already made friends. He's tolerable to everyone else. Right?]

If this is someone who wasn't human to begin with, madness is expected honestly. Imagine a fish abruptly turned into a bird- things are going to be messy.

They may well not understand though, you're right. The Fog certainly doesn't when such things are pointed out. A human mind can shift that but only with time to learn, unfortunately.

[But hmmm. Here sits a chance he didn't expect to have...and he probably shouldn't invest this much time into it but...]

I would offer the role of a mediator but something tells me that isn't wise for now. Instead- if you need to talk through it, I can offer that.

Believe me when I say you won't get any judgement for it. Or anything you say really.

[Noa makes...good points, probably, but Ryou still feels that without the whole story, it's a little bit hard to convey his point. Noa...doesn't really need any of this. Maybe he should just disengage.]

It isn't wise for me to be around him. So mediation isn't possible, you're right.

Noa is this really what you want to spend your time on? I didn't mean to place all this on you. I can just leave you alone.

[This is the teen's out. Ryou doesn't want to talk about this stuff either, but he probably needs to. Not at Noa's expense though. Not if he wants out.]

Speaking frankly it's a mix. On the one hand no. On the other this is going to irritate me if I drop it.

I'm a Cat, Ryou.

For that matter the other wordly things here delight in irony and it would probably be better to come to some sort of peace on this for yourself before you wake up locked in the same room or some nonsense.

Besides six years here may as well pay me with Something and I suppose experience and damage control is better than nothing.

[Perhaps Noa didn't mean it for levity's sake, but the idea that being a cat meant he would not let this go? Kind of amusing. Ryou smiles a little, despite himself. Good thing the computer screen doesn't show it. That'd be embarrassing.]

Well. If you are certain, I won't argue the point.

Um, after the whole...alternate universe thing, I was having a difficult time coping. I don't want to go into detail with it, so let's just call it a crisis of identity. A couple of people helped me through it, so it's fine.

[K...kind of?? Haha, don't worry about it.]

I wanted to repay the kindness back with one. He sought me out, he listened to my ravings, and he talked me down. In return, I agreed to meet with him.

[He pauses there, to let Noa process it, and also because he's trying to decide whether to proceed at all. He doesn't like this story...]

Ah yes, the matter of multiple timelines. I apparently have a very nebulous existence in yours. Very 'Schroidinger's cat'.

I tend to simply coast on tje fact that ultimately I am myself regardless of anything else. Now.

Carry on.

That's an apt reference, and you seem to have the whole self-actualization thing down. I admire you honestly. Not everyone can deal with that kind of thing so easily.

[He is right too. Ryou has no memory of Noa, but that doesn't matter. He exists as a person, and the whole Schrodinger's cat thing is pretty apt.

Especially since the only way Ryou knows him is as a cat. But anyway.]

Ah, so. We met. Me and that other person. The problem was, I don't think I'd fully sorted myself out. I was still shaky about things, so maybe it's my fault for putting myself out of my comfort zone when I'd barely gotten back into it.

Just...talking to this person, it's infuriating on its own. Everything is made to be complicated, and whenever I try to sympathize and conversate, it always seems to turn into something confrontational. I wasn't built for that at the time. I just wanted to be there for him like he was there for me. It didn't work, because the truth is...I don't think he gets why I don't like him. Maybe he thinks the arguing is a game or something, but he's done things that irreversibly altered my life and I take it seriously.

[He's showing his hand a little here. But he doesn't realize, because saying it to someone feels almost freeing. Almost.]

It really, really didn't work, and it went very poorly.

I am going to take a guess and assume you knew them in that Alternate Life that was forged for us all.

In which case I may also know who this is. [He absolutely knows and has the whole time frankly, but sharing That fact would absolutely ruin this.]

Rather than get into that however; it can be easy to wish for the best without remembering your actual limits. So don't be ashamed of that, if you are.

As to how things went- are you willing to elaborate? Or is that wound still a raw one?

I did know him. I knew him before that.

[Look. Noa probably does know who it is by now. Somehow, that's such a discomforting thought that it makes Ryou feel sick to his stomach. They know each other, they're probably friends, Ryou's the intruder.

But...Noa is being so understanding with him. So maybe...it isn't just pity and boredom. Right?]

I don't want to talk about what I did. I wasn't acting like myself, and I wish I could take it back.

He doesn't get it. That's not me. I don't ever want it to be me, but he enjoyed it I guess. He said...some pretty terrible things. Not at me, but about himself.

[Yeah you know. Ryou needs to take a break. Whatever response comes next, Noa's going to have to wait. This is really bothering him.

I see.

I met with him during the late end of that week. Specifically, he sought me out.

Apparently the pseudo therapist attitudes carried over.

You should know something that almost undoubtedly contributes here- and Will make even future communication a mess for a while.

He had two sets of memories resurfacing.

Both were in direct conflict with the other. Frankly the fact that he can function and Has functioned in the past as a 'singular' entity astounds me.

Regardless, while I would have to obtain his perspective somehow, I somehow suspect his point was not matter of enjoyment...

Again though I would have to look into this. Considering I've been worried about the fallout in this case for a while that hopefully won't take long.

[It was already going to take a while for Ryou to answer while he got his head screwed on straight after all he admitted. He still felt very uncomfortable with it, although he shouldn't.

Noa's a good listener. He appreciates this.

He just...wishes that he could have someone tell him he's right, this isn't fair, the Ring-Spirit's wrong. But he can't have that. It...makes him feel like a bad person. All of this does.

Suffice it to say he leaves Noa on read for some time.]

I'm sorry he had that happening. I understand the feeling, and I never thought I'd say that, but the thing is - that was what I was struggling with as well. Memories, self-identity, importance.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how he functions either, but with everything said and done...I also don't believe I'm capable of feeling sorry for him right now.

[And miraculously, it appears Ryou gets to keep both cakes.]

As you shouldn't.

He is regardless of these things someone who hurt you.

Even were he to comprehend an apology and gift it, that would not change.

You would owe nothing.

[Excuse him???

Did. Noa just agree with him?]

Thank you. That's one of the most thoughtful things anyone's said to me.

I didn't expect it.

[STILL PROCESSING...his feelings are valid?!]

It's the truth after all.

The goal of talking about this isn't to forgive past crimes it's to make coexisting in the same vicinity more tolerable.

Shot in the dark but I suspect you don't enjoy being angry simply because he's there.

The goal in other words is peace. For you. At best this will probably mean being indifferent to him being here at all.

I don't like being angry at anything. It's not the way I am, it's honestly so tiring to be upset, but there's so much to be upset about around here.

I've tried to coexist peacefully though. I promise...we've spoken sharply, but I had never attacked or threatened him before

[Wait. No. No no no.]

I mean, I didn't do it on purpose I would never try to hurt someone on purpose he just made me so angry and I couldn't take it anymore he doesn't take anything I say as mattering or serious I really didn't want to but it just happened

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